PAGE 1 (5 Panels)
1.1 TV Panel. A slick presenter with a shark's grin is singing the praises of the PicaLimp HOMES™ system.
| PRESENTER: |
DOMESTIC CHORES GETTING YOU DOWN? TIRED OF THE STRESS OF MANAGING A HOUSEHOLD? HELP IS AT HAND!
|
| LINK: |
PicaLimp HOMES™ GIVES YOU THE POWER TO COMPLETELY AUTOMATE YOUR HOME ENVIRONMENT!
|
1.2 TV Panel. Happy looking robots hoovering and dusting. The presenter might be part of the scene, or just have his head inserted in a corner somewhere.
| PRESENTER: |
ANDROID SERVITORS HANDLE ALL THOSE DREARY CHORES, AND THEY ADJUST TO YOUR PERSONALITY.
|
| LINK: |
WHILE VOICE RECOGNITION LETS YOU CUSTOMISE YOUR ENVIRONMENT USING NATURAL LANGUAGE.
|
1.3 TV Panel - a security camera picture of a stereotype burglar (horizontally striped t-shirt, domino mask, and a big bag marked SWAG). There's some computer text superimposed.
| PRESENTER: |
OUR TOTAL SECURITY SYSTEM COMES BUNDLED WITH THE PACKAGE, SO YOU CAN FEEL SECURE WITH PicaLimp HOMES™.
|
| TEXT: |
+++ INTRUDER ALERT +++ SUMMONING POLICE +++
|
1.4 Mrs. EDNA RUMSEY sitting in an armchair, watching the TV. She's reaching for the phone on a table beside the chair. EDNA: little old lady, mid-70's, sweet grandmotherly type. Don't make her too frail!
| TV: |
ORDERING PicaLimp HOMES™ IS AS EASY AS DIALLING THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN...
|
1.5 Edna and a salesman are standing outside a gleaming, new house. Make it look quite futuristic. The salesman is getting her to sign some papers.
| WRITING CAP: |
I MUST SAY I WAS VERY IMPRESSED BY YOUR ADVERTS
|
| WRITING: |
BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR SYSTEM...
|
PAGE 2 (6 PANELS)
2.1 Edna in her new home. She's being greeted by servitor droid S-1, a very snooty robot butler. We mightn't see much of the setting in this frame, but the place is high tech and palatial.
| S-1 (robot): |
GREETINGS! KINDLY COMPLETE ONLINE REGISTRATION: PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.
|
| EDNA: |
UMM... I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!
|
| S-1 (robot): |
WELCOME MRS. UMA CARNEARIOU! WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS SHALL I ENABLE?
|
2.2 Looking past S-1 to Edna, who is getting flustered.
| S-1 (robot): |
HEATING, LIGHTING, HOT WATER...
|
| EDNA: |
NO, NO, NO! THAT'S NOT MY NAME. IT'S EDNA. EDNA RUMSEY!
|
| S-1 (robot): |
HEATING, LIGHTING AND HOT WATER DISABLED!
|
2.3 Edna sitting in a chair in the dark. She's wrapped in a blanket and shivering. The only light comes from the off panel TV
| WRITING CAP: |
I REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO CALL THEM "TEETHING TROUBLES"...
|
| EDNA: |
WHERE'S THE REMOTE? I WANT TO WATCH ME SOAPS.
|
| JAG (no tail): |
WELCOME TO THE PicaLimp ADVERTISING CHANNEL...
|
2.4 Looking past Edna to the TV (PicaLimp - Where will we let you go today?). S-1 stands by the telly.
| S-1 (robot): |
NO NEED FOR A REMOTE MRS. CARNEARIOU. WHAT CHANNEL DO YOU REQUIRE?
|
| EDNA: |
PUT IT ON THREE. I WANT ME SOAPS!
|
| S-1 (robot): |
THAT CHANNEL IS RESTRICTED BY PARENTAL LOCK. PASSWORD?
|
2.5 Edna and S-1 in front of the TV, since it's the only light source. Edna's shouting.
| EDNA: |
I DON'T KNOW THE PASSWORD! I JUST WANT ME SOAPS, YOU STUPID, STUPID MACHINE!
|
| S-1 (robot): |
ADJUSTING PERSONALITY. DOWNLOADING CONFRONTATIONAL MODE...
|
2.6 Close on S-1. His face is twisted into an ugly sneer.
| S-1 (robot): |
WELL THAT'S JUST TOUGH, YOU DAFT OLD BAT!
|
| LINK: |
NO USE BLAMING ME JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO READ THE MANUALS!
|
| EDNA (O/P): |
OOOO-OOOOOOOH!
|
PAGE 3 (6 PANELS)
3.1 The next morning in the sitting room. Edna comes downstairs to find the servitor droids have taken over the place. There's four or five of them, sprawled about the place, generally acting like juvenile delinquents. The place is a mess, with empty oil cans, pizza boxes and the like littered all over. The TV is showing what looks to be a robot porn channel.
| CAP: |
NEXT MORNING...
|
| TV (JAG): |
FEMBOTS GET LUBRICATED, NEXT ON HOT CHIPS!
|
| DROID(robot): |
THIS IS THE LIFE!
|
3.2 Close on Edna, who's getting to the end of her tether, eyes brimming with tears.
| EDNA: |
STOP THIS! STOP IT AT ONCE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP THINGS CLEAN!
|
3.3 Full shot of S-1 and S-2 (a sexy french maid type robot) lying together on the couch. It looks like they've been into some heavy petting. They look at Edna with contempt.
| S-1 (robot): |
BUT THESE ARE THE PARAMETERS YOU SELECTED MRS CARNEARIOU!
|
| S-2 (robot): |
THIS PLACE IS FILTHY. YOU'RE SUCH A SLOB, UMA!
|
3.4 Edna, waving her fists in frustration. Perhaps S-1 & S-2 are in the shot.
| EDNA: |
AND STOP CALLING ME THAT! MY NAME'S EDNA! EDNA RUMSEY!
|
3.5 Close on S-1. Shadows gather around his face and he looks stern and sinister.
| S-1 (robot): |
REALLY? BUT THIS DOMICILE IS LICENSED TO UMA CARNEARIOU. THAT MAKES YOU AN INTRUDER!
|
| LINK: |
ENTER SECURITY MODE. SUMMONING POLICE UNITS.
|
3.6 Edna being dragged away backwards by two hulking police robots.
| EDNA: |
BUT I'VE DONE NOTHING! IT'S THEM! THEM!!
|
| COP (robot): |
SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE, MISSUS!
|
PAGE 4 (5 PANELS)
4.1 Big. Edna in one of those large US style communal holding cells. She's huddled in a corner, trying to avoid eye contact. Most of the occupants are smiling at her, the way a cat smiles at a mouse. In the far corner, a couple of inmates are kicking hell out of a third one. Make the place scary.
| O/P (robot): |
UMA CARNEARIOU?
|
| EDNA: |
THAT'S ME! I MEAN IT'S NOT! I MEAN ... OH DEAR ...
|
4.2 A huge pug faced robot cop, nose to nose with a quailing Edna. Maybe we can see a PicaLimp Law™ logo, perhaps on his arm.
| COP (robot): |
WELL? IS IT OR ISN'T IT?
|
| EDNA: |
NO! YES! OH, CAN'T I JUST TALK TO SOMEONE HUMAN?
|
| COP (robot): |
YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO MAKE DEMANDS, LADY...
|
4.3 A police interview room. Edna is sitting talking to an embarrassed looking human sergeant.
| CAP: |
"... BUT SOMEONE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU."
|
| SARGE: |
...CAN ONLY APOLOGISE, MRS RUMSEY. IT SEEMS THERE'S A BUG IN THE HOMES™ SOFTWARE.
|
| EDNA: |
THEN I CAN GO?
|
4.4 Inside a cop car. Edna sits up front with a human policeman as he gives her a lift home.
| WRITING CAP: |
I AM VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOUR PRODUCT. YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER.
|
| WRITING CAP: |
YOURS, E. RUMSEY. (MRS.)
|
| COP: |
YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU HOME, MISSUS?
|
4.5 Exterior shot of the cop car as it drives through a shopping centre. It may be coincidence, but there's a large store clearly labelled HARDWARE in prominent view.
| EDNA (in car): |
YES. NO! SECOND THOUGHTS, DROP ME RIGHT HERE
|
| LINK: |
I'VE GOT SOME SHOPPING TO DO FIRST.
|
PAGE 5
5.1 The front of Edna's new home. Some vandal has smashed the front door in. Letterer: Different writing for the captions on this page. Possibly a helvetica/arial type font since it's from an office.
| WRITING CAP: |
DEAR MRS. RUMSEY, THE PicaLimp CORPORATION DISCLAIMS ALL LIABILITY FOR YOUR MISADVENTURES.
|
5.2 Inside in the front hall. We're looking past a group of servitor droids at Edna. The droids have gathered to block her from coming in. Edna has something hidden behind her back. She looks grim. We're in "Throw Momma From The Train" territory here, verging on the Giles granny.
| WRITING CAP: |
NOT ONLY DID YOU REGISTER UNDER A FALSE NAME...
|
5.3 Edna shows what she's been hiding behind her back. It's a bloody big fire axe and she uses it to lop the head off S-1 in a shower of sparks! Have her put some energy into it - she's got a lot of anger and frustration to let out.
| WRITING CAP: |
...BUT YOU WILFULLY VOIDED ANY WARRANTY BY EMPLOYING UNAUTHORISED MAINTENANCE TECHNIQUES.
|
| EDNA (jag): |
KII-IIIIIIIIII!
|
| SFX: |
WHANGGG! SZZZZZZT
|
5.4 Edna sitting watching telly. The lights and heating are back on, and if any droids are in the shot, they're working like billy-oh. She's smiling. It's a grim smile, one full of potential violence. She's also got the fire axe resting across her lap.
| WRITING CAP: |
ON AN UNRELATED MATTER...
|
| JAG(no tail): |
...AND NOW IT'S TIME TO RETURN TO THE STREET...
|
5.5 Looking past Edna towards the TV. We don't actually need to see the telly, but above it are mounted three servitor heads, possibly on spikes. Give S-1 the pride of place. If you're feeling mischievous, throw in a sign: "And she didn't think it too many..." E.Rumsey (Mrs). If we didn't see any hard working servitors in the last panel then show a couple in this one
| WRITING CAP: |
...OUR TECHNICAL SUPPORT DEPARTMENT HAS BEEN IMPRESSED BY YOUR INNOVATIVE APPROACH...
|
5.6 A shot of the PicaLimp offices. In the foreground a harried looking worker types frantically. Behind him servitor droids are running amok. Some are whipping the employees like galley slaves. Others are hogging the PCs (presumably playing Quake 29 or some such) or generally slobbing out, getting in the way, and causing trouble. Pure chaos!
| WRITING CAP: |
AND WE HOPE YOU WILL CONSIDER A CONSULTANCY POSITION WITH US. MONEY NO OBJECT.
|
| WRITING CAP: |
YOURS, A.KLONE, PicaLimp SOFTWARE
|
| WRITING CAP: |
P.S. PLEASE!
|
THE END
Copyright Nick Fortune, 2001.
| Back to top... |
|
Home... |