PAGE 1
1.1 A dark alley in Larceny City. HELENA stands at the alley mouth, sleek, sexy and dangerous, with a touch of the oriental to her features. She appears unarmed. Behind her three lowlife scum have emerged from the shadows, intent on taking her unawares.
| CAP: |
THE GHETTO WORLD OF LARCENY. NOT A SAFE PLACE TO WALK AT NIGHT.
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1.2 Helena, without even turning round, belts one lowlife in the balls with one hand while slamming the elbow of her other arm into the second one's windpipe. (Feel free to improve on that - just so it looks nasty and violent). The third lowlife dies from a shot from off panel.
| CAP: |
UNLESS YOU ARE HELENA HAN D'CARTE, LICENSED INTERSTELLAR AGENT OF RECOVERY.
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| SFX: |
BLAM!
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1.3 From further back in the alley emerges HOGARTH, a private investigator in the disgraced-former-New-York-cop mould. He's holding a smoking gun - a 44 Magnum sort of affair.
| HOGARTH: |
BUMPHREY HOGATH, MA'AM. PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.
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| LINK: |
YOU'D BEST GET OUT OF HERE. THE GODDOR-VULBUG CORPORATION HIRED ME TO RECOVER A TESSERACT SEED, AND...
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| O/P: |
THE SEED IS MINE!
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1.4 Looking past Hogarth and Elena to JOHNNY ROGER, a high tech star pirate with his swash well and truly buckled. He's carrying a gun too, a fusion powered musket about twice the size of Hogarth's pistol.
| ROGER: |
THEM ACCOUNTANT PRIESTS DONE STOLE IT! OFF ME, JOHNNY ROGER! AFTER I PLUNDERED IT, FAIR AND SQUARE. WELL WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT...
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| O/P: |
YOU'LL SEE ABOUT NOTHING!
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CONTINUED...
PAGE 1 CONTINUES...
1.5 Reverse angle, looking past the group again to COL. BRICKHOUSE, a grizzled special forces type. His gun is something along the lines of a futuristic bazooka.
| COL.: |
COL. CHET BRICKHOUSE, LARCENY SPECIAL FORCES, AND AUTHORISED TO USE LETHAL FORCE. I ADVISE YOU TO WITHDRAW.
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| HOGARTH: |
NO CAN DO, PAL...
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| ROGER: |
SURRENDER ME PLUNDER? NEVER!
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1.6 Close on Helena.
| HELENA: |
GUYS? GUYS! THE HOLY AUDITOR'S PALACE IS PACKED WITH FANATIC GUARDS.
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| LINK: |
WHY NOT POSTPONE THIS UNTIL YOU'VE DEALT WITH THEM?
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PAGE 2
2.1 Exterior of the Auditor's Palace. About 50/50 hindu temple and tenement block. Helena, Hogarth and the others should be visible somewhere.
| CAP: |
THE AUDITOR'S PALACE.
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| ROGER: |
SO WHERE BE THESE GUARDS?
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| HELENA: |
MAYBE THEY'RE INSIDE. LET'S GO AND LOOK.
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2.2 Inside the palace. The group are looking at a large ornate structure containing the TESSERACT SEED: A metallic sphere maybe two inches across, hanging from a silver chain and glowing with a weird radiance. The far wall is curtained. Later on it'd be useful if this area was open to the sky, so you might want to make this a courtyard, or else depict some property damage when the fighting starts.
| HOGARTH: |
SO THAT'S A TESSERACT SEED... SAY, DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THIS IS WAY TOO EASY?
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| O/P: |
YOU HAVE REACHED THIS PLACE ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE ALLOWED IT!
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| HELENA: |
OH, SPARE US!
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2.3 The curtains have been pulled back to reveal the HIGH AUDITOR: A huge warrior dressed in enough combat armour to make him a human tank, with two huge energy cannon mounted over each shoulder. Go way over the top here. Around him are his fanatical followers - think feral accountants - armed with clubs and knives and so forth.
| AUDITOR: |
I, THE HIGH HOLY AUDITOR OF LARCENY, HAVE GATHERED ALL MY ENEMIES TO THIS PLACE.
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| LINK: |
AND NOW MY MINIONS SHALL DESTROY YOU!
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2.4 The fanatics charge, screaming. Lots of them. The Auditor stands behind them, urging them on.
| AUDITOR: |
KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!
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| FANATICS: |
DIE! DIE! DIE!
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PAGE 2 CONT...
2.5 Hogarth, Roger and Brickhouse open fire on the horde.
2.6 The first wave of fanatics goes down under a hail of bullets, energy beams and explosions. This does nothing to deter the ones behind them.
PAGE 3
3.1 Total Carnage. Fanatical accountants die by the dozen, as Hogarth, Brickhouse and Roger blast away. We might see the structure housing the Tesseract Seed get demolished by a stray blast. If Helena is in the shot, she'll be picking her way round the outskirts of the melee. If she's fighting, it'll be barehanded but in an eye-wateringly dirty manner.
3.2 As the last of the fanatics dies, the four guys, including the High Auditor, start squaring off ready to blast one another to kingdom come.
| AUDITOR: |
YOU MAY HAVE BESTED MY FOLLOWERS, BUT I WILL NOT BE SO EASILY DISPATCHED.
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| COL.: |
IS THAT A FACT?
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| O/P: |
HOLD IT!
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3.3 Helena strikes a pose on the remains of the Seed cabinet. In one hand she's holding the Tesseract Seed, while in the other she's holding a tiny little laser pistol. If you feel it's needed, throw in a small inset panel to show the gun more clearly.
| HELENA: |
HELENA HAN D'CARTE, LICENSED INTERSTELLAR AGENT OF RECOVERY, HIRED TO RETURN THE SEED TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNERS, THE GOVERNMENT OF NEW CAIRO.
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| LINK: |
YOU BOYS HAVE JUST ONE CHANCE TO WALK AWAY. THEN I'LL SHOW YOU HOW MY GUN WORKS.
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| O/P: |
THAT'S YOUR GUN?
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3.4 All four guys together, laughing their arses off. This is about where we could do with them being in the open air.
| SFX: |
HA HA HA HA HA
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3.5 Close on the heads of the four guys, all leering or sneering.
| HOGARTH: |
OOH, I'M SO SCARED.
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| ROGER: |
GO ON THEN. SHOOT US WITH YOUR LITTLE GUN.
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| AUDITOR: |
WE'LL EVEN LET YOU GO FIRST!
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PAGE 4
4.1 Close on Helena, smiling.
| HELENA: |
YOU ASKED FOR IT.
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4.2 Helena fires four quick shots. Four thin beams of energy hit their targets and scatter harmlessly.
| SFX: |
zeep
|
zeep
zeep
zeep
4.3 Small. A high aerial shot of the city, as if from a spy plane or satellite. A small glint of light is visible about where Helena and co. would be.
4.4 The guys splitting themselves with laughter.
| SFX: |
HA HA HA HA HA
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4.5 Tremendous bolts of energy incinerate the four guys from above.
4.6 Helena addresses four piles of smouldering bone and charcoal. She's holding up the little gun.
| HELENA: |
YOU SEE GUYS, THIS ISN'T MY GUN...
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PAGE 5
A splash page, with panels one and three inset, top-left and bottom-right.
5.1 Close on Helena, smiling.
| HELENA: |
...THAT WAS JUST THE TARGETING SYSTEM!
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5.2 Here we see Helena's real gun - so big she has to keep it parked in geo-stationary orbit. It's at least ten miles long with a crew of fifty or so and full FTL capability, but it still looks very much like a handgun. Otherwise, indulge yourself.
5.3 Close on Helena, blowing imaginary smoke from the barrel of her dinky little "targeting system" and winking at the reader.
THE END
Copyright Nick Fortune, 2001.
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